Two doctors are laying in bed after having sex. The male doctor says "You must be an OBGYN because you can work that pussy." The female doctor says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, " I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money you can have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
"Doctor doctor, please kiss me" says the patient. "No, that would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please kiss me just once." "No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he replies. Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!" "Look", says the doctor, "it's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
Q&A: How do you make five pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it! What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the hole bird! What is the definition of making love? Something a woman does while a man is fucking her! What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung! What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? Whores fuck everyone at the party, bitches fuck everyone at the party except you!
"Doctor", said the embarrased man. "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor replied, "bring your wife back in tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the fellow returned with his wife. "Take off all your clothes" said the doctor. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh huh, I see. Now put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You are in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Randy met Gwen at the circus. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. They headed straight to the bedroom, where Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom of Gwen's bookcase. After they had sex, Randy asked "So, how was I?" "Well" Gwen said, "you can take anything you want off the bottom shelf."
An old man in the nursing home who was hard of hearing got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse off and bra before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this. I have acute angina". The old guy says, "God, I hope so. You've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen".
One day, while relieving himself in a public bathroom, a white guy could not help but notice the long dick on the black man in the next urinal. "Why do you guys have such long dicks?" he asks. The black guy replies, "When having sex, push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it". After hearing this, the white guy decides to try out the dick-stretching technique with his wife. After having sex, he asks "Did you notice anything different about me?" "Yeah," said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
Two guys were sharing drinks and discussing their wives. The first guy says, "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?". "Well, not exactly" said the second guy. "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "That sounds pretty kinky" replied the first guy. "Not really," said his friend. "I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
A man went fishing and caught a crocodile. The crododile told him "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said "Okay. I wish my balls would touch the ground." So the crocodile bit his legs off.
A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his dick. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" The man replies "It died today." "Oh, that's terrible!" the nurse replied. The next day the man has his dick hanging outside his pants again. The same nurse says "I thought it died yesterday." The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing."
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He sees his Mom bouncing up and down on his Dad, and says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She says, "Well, Daddy is too fat, so I thought I would try and flatten him out." The little boy replied, "Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
A man wanted a $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said it would normally cost $1000 for such a bizarre request, but if the man would tell him why he wanted it, the artist would do it for free. The man explained there were three reasons - "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. Third, and most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, she can do it right at home."
Two deaf people get married. They soon discover they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey", she signs, "If you want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea, and signs back, "Great idea. Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my dick one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my dick 50 times."
Condom slogans: (1) Cover your stump before you hump; (2) Don't be silly, protect your Willie; (3) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake; (4) Don't be a fool, cover your tool; (5) Wrap that tool before you drool; (6) Plug your funnel , then enter the tunnel; (7) If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
A man says to his wife "I want some kinky sex - how about if I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man says "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?"
I went to a new doctor the other day and found out she was a drop dead gorgeous female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my dick tastes funny."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and climbed into bed when his wife, as usual, complained "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you."
A woman was standing in a crowded hotel elevator when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man apologized, and said "I'm sorry. But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you will forgive me." So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 213."
When I first noticed that my dick was growing larger, I was delighted, as was my wife. But after several weeks, it had grown 50 centimeters. I started to become concerned, as I was having problems dressing, and even walking. So the wife and I went to see a urologist. After the examination, the doctor explained that although rare, my condition, known as Donkey Doodle, could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously. "Why would he need crutches?" asked the doctor. "Well", said the wife coldly, "you are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he said "Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time." She said "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."
Two old drunks were sitting in a bar when the first one says, "when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees, if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand." "So", says the second drunk, "what's your point?" To which the first drunk replies, "Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
A married couple goes to see a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says "Lets start by talking about what you both have in common." The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick."
Sex Jokes
